i tell you, this whole breakup process is quite a process. as all of you have experienced, it is simply quite a journey. it's already been 3 months since it happened, but i can tell you right now that it feels like it just happened 3 days ago. maybe it's the simple fact that we still live in the same place. or maybe that's just how it feels no matter what.
i will admit that it's been both easier and harder that we still live together. to this day, i can't really explain it further why it is like that. granted, we're pretty much like your typical roommates and i'm proud to say that we've maintained a respectable living arrangement. it also helps that we continue to see our therapist and he's been nothing but fabulous throughout this process. i still feel that things will get harder especially after we move out of here. each day, it seems like our apartment is becoming less and less familiar, especially when things are being sold or moved out. no longer is there a kitchen, but rather a plethora of boxes and a small college-like refrigerator and a camping style oven. the living room looks like a garage sale with plenty of open boxes and going through what should be kept or thrown away. having never been through a divorce, i can still somehow feel that it's similar.
even though thinking about a relationship or even the simple act of dating seems so FOREIGN to me, i have managed to enjoy the things i used to enjoy. it's funny because a few colleagues at work have noticed a difference in my attitude. they say that i look better and i feel more relaxed. without knowing anything about the troubles of my relationship, they have now told me that they sensed that something was wrong. for the past six or eight months, i've been carrying this weight and pressure and hopeless dream that this relationship would persevere. even going through therapy, which to me was so new and strange, given that we didn't have any logistical problems like money or where to live. on paper, everything was perfect. but the truth always lies between the lines.
nevertheless, i have somehow managed to turn the page on a few things. more importantly, i have started to take more and more photographs. and just last week, i had my FIRST photoshoot in a VERY LONG time. given that my ex is a model and we had many shootings in the past year, it was very sad that i didn't take ANYONE else's pictures. the last one was a wedding that i shot almost one year ago to this day. and the last "photoshoot" with someone else was well over one year ago. it saddens me that in 2008, i did not take anyone else's pictures. the answers to why are moot, but the reasons behind them are significant. i could spend hours and days thinking about it or i could simply try to put it behind me and move forward.
so last weekend in vienna, i had my first photoshoot. i was nervous and apprehensive. i was a little bit unsure about seeing somebody else. it's been such a long time to see someone else through my lens. but with that nervousness also came relief. it felt good to be in a creative mode and the model, makeup artist, and the location couldn't have been more perfect. in many ways, i felt like i turned a page.
i know that there are still many more pages to turn. in less than one month, i will be out of this apartment and i KNOW i will miss certain things. living in a hotel may sound glamorous, but after a while, you seek the comfort of a home. and even though the apartment i am in now may not be the home i need, in many ways, it is still my home. and i'm sad, still, about the results of this relationship. but with that sadness, i have also found more of myself and knowing that i CAN and WILL turn the page makes me feel excited about what lies ahead.
you can only plan so much. for everything else, que sera, sera.
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my first photoshoot in a very long time turned out to be one of my best:
der prater slideshow:
der prater photos:
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